VISION WALKER
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The Mind of a Writer

Self Reflection for the New Decade

12/29/2019

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I wouldn't say I'm narssistic or egotistical, but I can be self-centered; self-preserving and maybe a bit narrow minded. I don't think I'm better than others or that what I do and say is the law, but I always seem to put myself above others. As if I always needed to be first. I talked a lot about the people around me being my top priority, and making then happy, but I've realized that I've pushed my idea of happiness onto them. I haven't taken into account who they are, what they want, and how I affect them. I'm very emotion driven, and it can cloud my judgement and empathy. I would say I'm pretty empathetic, but sometimes I can completely disregard other's feelings. I never take into account what other's lives are like, what they're dealing with, and what their past has been like.

I've gone through a lot of my life not feeling like I was living. As if I was in a video game or
watching someone else pretend to be me. I don't remember a lot that's happened and what I was like. I don't know when I became me or when I became aware of me. I would say I'm somewhat self aware of my flaws and chips. But I seem to rationalize them and just deal with it. I wallow in self pity a lot. I just think about all the bad things in my life and just think that that is all my life will be. It's hard to think of the future when everything in the moment is very intense. Life isn't perfect and bad things do happen. It just feels like I've been dealt the wrong life. As if this isn't my body, this isn't my life, my world. Which is a weird way to live. And I think that affects how I interact with people. Because nothing feels quite real.

Socially, I'm not awkward, just off. I don't follow social ques, conversations, tones of voice, and body language very well. I'm not sure if this is because I haven't been taught or if I just really guarded with what I see. I try to not care and not take things personally, but I really really do. I am the most insecure confident person ever. Both confident in myself but also worried that what I'll do won't be good. As if I need to prove what I'm worth. Which is not how it should be. I'm not good at balancing my emotions. I let them take control a lot; almost all the time. And sometimes they just check out and my brain checks out. Like most of my childhood.

​This year has been weird and rough and actually quite horrible and I'm ready for it to be over. I want to really try to better myself for myself but also others. I want to be better at knowing when I should stop and reality starts. It's hard when you live in a bubble of your own creation, but if I work hard enough, maybe I can pop it.

​-Vision

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My Personal Ghost

10/25/2019

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Before I get started, I would just like to say that Viktor isnn't bad in any way. He's actually super friendly. I want to tell you about him because he's a pretty interesting guy and his story is too

So I started noticing Viktor was there after I got home from my summer vacation two years ago. I did buy some things from antique and thrift stores, so he might have come from one of those things. I just started feeling him in the corner of my bedroom (as seen in another one of my Wiki posts). So I was doing some deep meditation one night to speak to my dead grandmother; but it was Viktor who came forward. He felt that I was in pain and started to speak to me. It wasn't as if I was hearing his voice, but I just knew what he was saying.

Basically, he just said his name is Viktor, he's 19, and just wanted a friend. He doesn't bother me, just chills in my room. He was only in my room but I believe that he's now attached to me and just follows me to protect me. He's very kind and is just a calming present because I know I always have a friend.
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Intro to Tarot

10/9/2019

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Witches Seem to Find Each Other

10/9/2019

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I didn't grow up into witchcraft, but it seems that my family has. We all have some core beliefs that we all separately got too and somehow just know. Like crystals and tarot and spirits, weird but that's my family. What I'd like to talk about is how a lot of witchy or spiritual or pagan people just find each other. Call it fate, but I just love it.

My current girlfriend if 10 months grew up into paganism through family. And I didn't know that when I met her. So when I told her I was a witch she went "dope, me too kind of". And I was just over the moon because I just didn't need to explained everything. And just recently I found out that my therapist grew up in a pretty pagan and spiritual household. Which is amazing because then she won't think I'm crazy or anything like I feared.

It just amazes me how I'm just able to find so many like minded people. I follow many people on Instagram who I just followed not knowing and then see that they collect crystals, or do tarot, or are even a witch and I just get very happy. Many people who come from strict or religious families may not experience the same, but I can say that it will. It just happens to everyone down this path.

Your energy attracts people with the same energy. Whether physically or online. I guess starting here is a good place because everyone here has something in common and maybe you could even find a witch close to you! Anyways, I just like how this happens. Chow.

-Vision
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White Witchcraft is Kinda Racist

10/7/2019

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Now a days, I'm seeing back magic and white magic, but there is no such thing as either. There is magic. Being a "white witch" is a pretty racist term and I'll tell you why. White Witchcraft is basically against blood spells, sacrifices, curses, and that kind of stuff. While in many countries, that is there magic. It is not "western" magic. Its magic that is seen as good because of what we've been taught; in a racist view. Sacrifices are used in many African cultures, and because we lived in a white washed society, it is seen as monsterus and bad and "black magic". There is no bad, just magic. You may not want to do sacrifices or blood magic or necromancy, but to say it's bad or evil or black magic is racist because in many cultures it is prided and is their form of magic. Respect don't discriminate the craft.
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Intro to Paganism and Witchcraft

10/5/2019

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The first episode of Season of the Witch is an Intro to Paganism and Witchcraft.

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Get Ready For the Season of the Witch

9/29/2019

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Hey guys! I've decided that for October I will be doing videos on witchcraft, paganism, and wicca (also what accompanies those). I am just a baby witch and have lots to learn, but I hope that with these videos we can all learn something. I will also be posting twice a week instead of just once for October. So regular Saturday at 2pm but also on Sundays at 5pm! I know that witchcraft and paganism have really boosted in the past five years, and to be honest, is one of the actual good "trends".

​I will go into more detail in the video, but paganism in all of its forms is really all-inclusive and is very personal; there are no rigidly cut rules to follow. For the most part, any pagan hasn't changed their beliefs when they entered paganism, their own personal beliefs of the universe and world and self were simply justified and put into practice. I haven't really changed any of my beliefs, just tweaked them to suit my ever-changing maturity and personality; which is why I love paganism so much! It is completely custom and versatile. This is just a short rundown of what you may see in the first installment of this series. I'll catch you guys on the flip side.

-Vision
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words from an addict about addictions

9/15/2019

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Everybody has some kind of addictions; it's in our nature to want to have an abundance of things that make us feel good, or even bad. While some addictions can be physical, like drugs, there is always a mental aspect to it. There is no way to get out of an addiction if you don't want to. That is a common misconception that a lot of people have. You can't just take away the drug, or the pain, or the sex, or the control. The addict has to be at least a little bit willing. Getting over an addiction is 90% mental. When people think of addictions, they usually think of drugs; like cocaine, heroin, or meth, but you can be addicted to anything.

For example, eating disorders are an addiction. This addiction is more based around control than it is food. For anorexia or bulimia, it's the control of the intake of food into your body, or even the feeling you have after purging or not eating. For binge eating disorders, it's the opposite but also the same. Binge eating disorders, while it is the control over intake, it also has the more "foody" aspect. Where you can be addicted to less healthy foods, like sugar, caffeine, or oil. People with eating disorders may not see what they're doing as wrong, because the addicted mind rationalizes everything. 

Because addictions are mostly mental issues, a lot of addicts have some other life or mental issues that feed the addictions. People with eating disorders may feel like they don't have control over their life; drug addicts who struggle with apathetic depression may do drugs people it helps them feel emotions. Something that is very common is for people who have chronic pain being addicted to painkillers and not knowing because in their head it's "because they hurt". While they may be in pain, the body also reacts badly to not having the drugs, causing more pain, causing them to take more painkillers.

For myself, I started abusing Tylenol when I was twelve. It was just after my grandmother had passed away and I had been pushed into a deep depressive state. Depression causes physical pain, so I started to take Tylenol because I always hurt. I didn't see what I was doing as wrong, but I was taking up to 20 tablets a day, which is 5 times the recommended max dose in 24 hours. This pattern went on for years, and by that, I mean up until about 5 months ago. While the amount of tablets slowly decreased per day, as I slowly became aware of my bad habits, I was still taking way to much. Not only is this dangerous, because you can overdose on Tylenol, but prolonged use of painkillers can cause liver damage. 

Relapse will happen; there is no way around it. There were many times when I had gone without taking a Tylenol, and then I would go back into abusing. Even if your body has gotten over the addiction, your mind will want to go back into it's addiction. It's a constant battle for an addict. Because a high amount of addicts also have mental illnesses, this creates a viscous cycle of the body craving something to break that illness. 

Anything can be addictive. A lot of people don't believe that you can be addicted to sex, but it's less about the actual sex than you would think. Sex addicts build bad and self-destructive habits that go along with the sex. For example, it may be that the addict doesn't have the best situation at their home, so they spend days away with strangers. This can put people into horrible situations. Many sex addicts have a past of sexual abuse, so this addition acts as a way of the person controlling their sexuality because it was taken away before hand. It is less about the act of sleeping with a person and more about the habits that the person builds around sex. 

In the end, we should all change the way we view addicts. It isn't just smelly homeless people who live in an alley (while this is still very sad and just as common), it can be anybody. Addictions are a lifelong fight and the cravings are always there. We should be less angry and hateful towards addicts and more empathetic. Addicts have a serious issue that need serious mental and physical help. The best way to help an addict is to be non judging, educating, and willing to go through the entire process with them. The last thing an addict wants is to be left alone while in recovery. They need all the support they can get. But also know that you can't help a person who doesn't want to help themselves. You may want to be there for that person and want to help, but in the end, if they keep pushing you away, you need to let them know that you are there for when they are ready. 

An addict in recovery is very vulnerable and it is up to their friends, family, and doctors to support them 110%. You need to be ready to answer phone calls and go to their home at 3am. Because in the end, an addict who is alone is more dangerous than an addict with support. If you, like myself, struggle daily, just know that there are so many people who want to help you. I am here to help you. I understand and want you to feel safe and okay. Recovery isn't a straight incline, it's the shittiest roller coaster ever, but there is an end and there is sobriety. If you can do it, I can do it; and if I can do it, you can do it. 

We can do it together.

​-Vision
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a long over due life update

9/12/2019

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I've been meaning to go back on here and basically explain what is going on in my life currently. While I am very active on social media about my life and what has happened, I know that some people have probably not saw or heard yet. Well, my mother passed away on July 4th 2019; so... that happened. It's been tough and a big adjustment, especially because my sister has also gone to college, so we went from a 5 person family to a 3 person family.All of us are doing fine, you don't have to worry; we are taking care of ourselves. 

A few other things have happened. I got diagnosed with Rheumetoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, and a TMJ disorder (TMJ is the major joint in your jaw). So recently my life as been a lot of doctors appointments and medical things. I started working with a CMHA crisis worker just a couple days after my mother's passing. It really helped. She basically was there to help me get my ducks in a row for my mental health treatment and what I need to do. So, as of now, I have a new psychiatrist, who I definitely like better than my old one, and I have a mental health clinition that is doing psychotherapy with me. These past few months have been super busy, but now that the summer is over I think things will start to slow down a bit and I can take a breather.

A couple weeks ago, I took a few days off from really doing work. Working from home is weird because you are always in and out of doing work. For me, "work" is doing things on here, drawing, writing, being active on social media, and those types of things. So I took a few days to just really rest and do some self care. I've been really go go go lately and it was really nice. I'm now just starting to find a new routine. Because my sister moved out, I moved into her old bedroom and I've also taken over my mother's office; so I have spaces of my own now. I've really enjoyed sitting at my desk, with my computer, and just working. It feels like an actual job now, because before I was working on my couch or in my bed, so I'm glad I have this work space to do work things in.

While this summer has been tough, with the loss of my mother, my sister moving out, and my health issues, I think that overall I've been doing pretty well. Things are in motion for my life to be a lot better, mentally and physically. I will try to post on here more, because I do really enjoy doing these posts. 

As an update on the store and commissions, commissions are 50% off this entire month and you can now buy my traditional art in the store. To get to the traditional art, you need to click on the "art" category at the top of the page, beside the search bar.

Thank you all for being so loving and warm and patient, I really do love talking with you guys and I hope that this clears up any confusion you guys have. I'll see y'all later.

​-Vision 
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HELP ME GET A SERVICE DOG

7/24/2019

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Hi! My name is Sydney, I'm a 17-year-old with a slew of health issues. After a lifetime of trauma, I finally got diagnosed by a licenced psychiatrist in December of 2018. They diagnosed me with: Clinical Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and trauma symptoms. Even though I have been on medication for my anxiety and depression for over a year, I still have issues with day-to-day life. This is where this GoFundMe comes in. My family doesn't have a ton of money, and because of my mental health, I'm not able to have a normal job. This is why I am here. I have done countless hours of research and know whole-heartedly that a service dog is what will be best for me. I already have a letter of recommendation from one of my medical professionals to say that a service animal is what I need for my health. This is a long process and probably won't have the dog fully train for another year or two after I have adopted it.

Link to GoFundMe: 
https://www.gofundme.com/f/buhf6-help-me-get-a-service-dog?

Personal requirements of the dog:
-Has to be spayed
-Calm and well tempered
-Under 45LBS
-Low to no shedding
-Medium energy
-Good with other dogs, cats, strangers, and any other animal
-Not skittish or shy
(If at any time, the dog changes from these requirements after I have adopted it, I will make sure they will go to a loving home that can care for them.)


Here's the cost of things:
-The max amount that I'm willing to pay upfront for a dog is $450. This will include all initial vet bills from the rescue agency I will get said dog from.
-After I adopt the dog, there will be a vet check-up that I will do, that could be anywhere between $100-$500 depending on what the vet charges, and what their rate is.
-There is also a fee for getting the service animal supplies, with what I am looking at, it is about $50-$100 for a vest/harness and another $50 for extras, such as a dog tag/collar and working dog patches. This does not include shipping.
-Any leftover money will help with the cost of training, food (it is a high-quality diet), beds, etc.


What the dog will do for me:
-Help through and after anxiety attacks
-Help me with my chronic pain (I have early onset rheumatoid arthritis)
-Alert myself if I have put myself in danger (part of my trauma symptoms is dissociation and I have almost been hit by cars because of it)
-Help alleviate some of my anxiety in situations that could be triggers for me
-Help alleviate any of my depression and trauma symptoms


Thank you for taking the time for reading this, and have a nice day.

-Sydney

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sorry for all the updates, but life is shitty

6/30/2019

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So... here's the low down. My mom is back in the hospital; she has an infection and because of her chemo her immune system is shit. She's majorly ill right now. I'm waiting until after the long weekend (Tuesday) to do anything for my inpatient stuff. I basically just go to the emerg at my hospital and go "yo, I'm having a mental health crisis and I can't be at home", and somebody will come to assess me. The lady I talked to on the helpline says that it's pretty hard to get into inpatient and that I might not qualify. But it's either me living in the hospital or I'm living in a box on the corner, because I can't be at home right now. Life is really shitty at the moment and it's getting harder every day to deal with. I had like 8 anxiety attacks yesterday. I'm seeing my mom later today (it's 5am), but I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I fucking hate hospitals. Isn't that ironic? I need to be in a hospital but every time I go in one I have a panic attack. Have a great weekend, my dudes; and to all my fellow Canadians, I hope your Canada Day is amazing.

​-Vision​
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Another Shit Life Update

6/22/2019

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​This past week has been SUPER rough. We've figured out what kind of cancer my mom has; it's in her nerves. This kind of cancer is newly discovered, and that's the reason it took so long for us to get a diagnosis. But, fewer people, including doctors, are acting like she's not dying, so it's kind of good news. When I heard the diagnosis, I felt a weight lifted off of me. My entire family was worried that it was going to be one of the really big baddies, but it's not. She is in a hospital about an hour from me, and they will be starting chemo this week I believe.


As for me, my mental health has been a complete shitshow. Things had been starting to go downhill before all this happened, but this hasn't really helped my case either. My family and I are discussing me being impatient, as in a mental hospital. Although, hospitals are usually the last resort for mental health. I'm looking for a place where I can just do what I normally, away from my family for a bit, but can get help and receive good treatment at all times. I don't know if such a place exists, and honestly, if it does, it might be too expensive. But I do know that staying at home is off the table for me, at the moment. I need a breather, with real help and real support. I need to do this so I can get better to be there for my family. I'm not happy about leaving them, but they all understand the situation.

Nothing has been decided yet; just thought I should let you all know. Thanks, love you all.

-Vision
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Just Life Things

6/9/2019

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I thought I should fill you all in, not because any of you are concerned, but because I just need to normalize myself saying it. My mother has cancer. That's a very scary word, and the majority of people know somebody who has died from cancer. But, cancer is not a death sentence. I'm trying to stay positive, not worrying about things I don't need to worry about. We don't know what kind it is yet if it's benign or not, but we have a really good guess that it's probably in her bones. My dog search is off, obviously. I might be doing more speedpaints, as those don't take as long to make. I'm getting a new phone within the next week, so I will film on that when I can. Shit hasn't hit the fan yet, but it is very near. I'm seeing about our social worker coming around to talk to my family. Honestly, don't worry. I think that the best we can do is just try to live as normal as possible. My mother is not the only person to have cancer, and if a fucking baby can beat cancer, then so can my mom. Love you all.


-Vision
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Where I've Been

4/24/2019

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Hi, hello. Um, it's a bit weird to be writing here now. I've been MIA on here for while, except for this HUGE THEME UPDATE. I just wanted my website to match the theme of the rest of my social media. Essentially, I've been doing a lot of work. Whether it's school, writing, drawing, and selling things; I've been busy. I actually don't mind being busy, as it helps from being too depressed or manic. But, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed recently. I don't know if it's that the school year is ending in a few months, then there's summer holidays, and I'm also setting the store up, selling work, doing commission, but it's a few of those things.

Most times of the day, I'm either sleeping, writing, drawing, thinking of video ideas, or just being a viewer to other creators. It seems like my life it's pretty chill, and it is, and that's what is bugging me. I don't like getting content, because if I get content with my work and life, I get depressed and rely on my contentment, and then when things change it feels like I'm going insane. 

So I'm trying to get things moving. I'm trying something new: commissions. Although, nobody has hired me as of now, I would still like to do them. I've also set up a Depop store so I can sell some of my clothing and other things online; almost like a home run second hand store. I've recently made speedpaints on my channel, which is new for me. But all of this feels like I'm reaching for thin air. I don't see an end goal, and it's making me spiral. 

I'm trying to collect myself, get back to work, put on my grown-up pants, and get shit down. But for now, I have two days to finish writing this story for a contest, so that's what I'm doing.

Thanks for reading,
​-Syd
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Help Me Get A Service Dog

3/30/2019

1 Comment

 
Hi! My name is Sydney, I'm a 17-year-old high school student. After a lifetime of trauma, I finally got diagnosed by a licenced psychiatrist in December of 2018. They diagnosed me with: Clinical Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and trauma symptoms. Even though I have been on medication for my anxiety and depression for over a year, I still have issues with day-to-day life. This is where this GoFundMe comes in. My family doesn't have a ton of money, and because of my mental health, I'm not able to have a normal job. This is why I am here. I have done countless hours of research and know whole-heartedly that a service dog is what will be best for me. I am currently working on getting letters from my medical doctors (my psychiatrist, therapist, and general practitioner) to say that a service animal is what I need for my health. This is a long process and probably won't have the dog fully train for another year or two after I have adopted it.

Personal requirements of the dog:
-Has to be spayed
-A rescue animal
-Mixed breed (this lowers the possibility of inbred illnesses of purebred dogs)
-Calm and well tempered
-Under 30LBS
-Low to no shedding
-Medium energy
-Good with other dogs, cats, strangers, and any other animal
-Not skittish or shy
(If at any time, the dog changes from these requirements after I have adopted it, I will make sure they will go to a loving home that can care for them.)

Here's the cost of things:
-The max amount that I'm willing to pay upfront for a dog is $450. This will include all initial vet bills from the rescue agency I will get said dog from.
-After I adopt the dog, there will be a vet check-up that I will do, that could be anywhere between $100-$500 depending on what the vet charges, and what their rate is.
-There is also a fee for getting the dog identified, with what I am looking at, it is about $30-$80 for a vest/harness and another $20-$30 for extras, such as a dog tag/collar and a "DO NOT TO PET" patch. This does not include shipping.
-Any leftover money will help with the cost of training, food (it is a high-quality diet), beds, etc.

What the dog will do for me:
-Help through and after anxiety attacks
-Alert people if I have overdosed on a drug (this has happened in the past)
-Alert people if I have tried to commit suicide (this has happened in the past)
-Help me with my chronic pain
-Alert myself if I have put myself in danger (part of my trauma symptoms is dissociation and I have almost been hit by cars because of it)
-Help alleviate some of my anxiety in situations that could be triggers for me

Thank you for taking the time for reading this, and have a nice day.

-Sydney
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Death by Hate, Life by Legacy

3/26/2019

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(This is for school, that is why it is written so properly. This is, however, something I am passionate about; so even if you aren't my teacher, I would still love for you to read it.)

​Last summer, I was visiting my aunt in Bobcaygeon for two weeks. A fun fact about my aunt: she was really good friends with Gord Downie. So, here we were, in her car, driving to Toronto, so she could bring this overly protected and inexperienced child to see what the world is like. She had a music disc playing through the speakers, and I could tell it was Gord Downie; she was singing every word of every song. At the time, I didn’t know what this meant, or why it meant so much, but I knew it was special. It wasn’t until we started this project that I finally understood. As somebody who has a mixed race family and many people who identify as queer, this album means a lot to people who feel outcasted. We have all had those times where we were walking down this dark path with no light at the end; and that is why this story is so powerful.
     
     
Music is universal, it doesn’t matter who created it, or what language it is written in, or what it sounds like; the message of the song goes over every border and into all ears. As somebody who has grown up listening to music, and in my opinion, can not live without it, I can say with full confidence that this album is no exception. When you listen to the first three seconds of a song, something happens to your body. You are overcome with the song, how it sounds, feels, tastes. That is why music makes us laugh, or cry, or smile; it connects to people. What this music tells is a tragic and horrifying story of a young boy; this is a too common of a story. The first seconds of the first song, The Stranger, sets the entire mood and ambience for what is to come. Gord hits you with the powerful melody and heavy lyrics; they are raw and truthful. Each line of lyrics is chosen perfectly, but somehow effortlessly, as if the story flowed and was pieced seamlessly. This, in combination with the amazing instrumentals of back it, makes an impressive way to tell a legacy. Chanie Wenjack’s story was meant for Gord; the death of this child created a life of something greater.
     
​     Staying in theme with the work of Gord Downie, secretpath.ca is a fantastic site. The site keeps the same art, text, and style as the book and the film. This gives all of the media Gord used have a seamless transition for the audience. Gord’s music is much more of a broad explanation, while the website is a more direct approach. The continuous scroll of the site makes it easy to read and find all of the information. It tells Chanie Wenjack’s story as it is; no sugarcoating and no symbolism to hide behind. This was created for the audience that enjoys direct information, without being persuaded by the sentimental value of music or art. This is the raw truth of the story. The website uses amazing illustrations from the book, links to donation pages, videos, articles, and credits everyone wonderfully.

     
     The animated film on Chanie Wenjack’s story is something entirely different from anything I have ever watched. The film uses the combined methods of the book and the music to make a heart-wrenching animation. I deeply enjoyed how the soundtrack for the entire film was simply the music, it added another level of meaning to the film. I also loved how the entire film was done in desaturated tones for when Chanie was not with his family. This brings the audience’s attention to feeling cold, lost, and helpless. While in the scenes with Chanie’s family, specifically his father, we see reds, oranges, and yellows; all colours that emphasize warmth and comfort. This truly brings the viewer into the darkness of this story and how horrible it is. The scene near the end, where Chanie dies, is a bit of a representation of what happens when people die of hypothermia. What happens is that the body gets so cold that it suddenly feels extremely warm; often causing hallucinations and radical actions. This is shown when Chanie goes into the warmth of his father, hallucinated that he is home; but then turning back and seeing his body. It was truly a chilling scene that ended the story at the right moment. There is no happy ending, no fairy tale, it was harsh and depressing; just as the end of Chanie Wenjack’s life was.

     
     In conclusion, the different media Gord Downie used to project the story of Chanie Wenjack were all effective in their own way, and made the viewer feel different depending on how it was delivered. Something that all of these mediums is the hope for the future; this was what Gord Downie and the family of Chanie really want. I remember watching the last Tragically Hip concert on my TV, and in the middle of it, Gord spoke directly to the Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau; who was in the audience with his wife and children. Gord spoke about the trials and the horrible lives that many Inuit people face in the northern part of our country. He looked at the Prime Minister and said that something needed to be done; it was in that moment that everybody knew that something
was going to be done. Chanie and Gord’s legacy lives through the people who truly care about the well being of our country, and that is why these projects are so important. Without them, Chanie would just be another Indigenous death to add to a number of many.



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Sources:

Downie, Gord. “Secret Path.” 
Secret Path, 2016, secretpath.ca/.


GordDownieVideos. “GordDownieVideos.” 
YouTube, YouTube, www.youtube.com/channel/UCHvACVHTJ7GR3UblzN4UZRg.
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Fondest of Times

2/21/2019

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(This was originally for a school assignment)

​When I was eleven, I went to my first huge live concert. It was at a major Scout Jamboree in Alberta. Multiple bands played during the day and night as kids listened, traded badges, and had the time of their lives. While there were many bands, whom I met and talked to, there was one band that was very memorable. It was one of the last nights of camp and it was the biggest concert of the week.

The band asked the crowd to move right up close to the stage. I was so close that I could touch the guitarist. The music was so loud that I can still remember the thumping that it made in my chest. The ground shook as kids and adults alike jumped and danced to the alternative-punk music. The night happened so fast that I don’t even remember the name of the band; but I do remember the two girls beside me.
They were a few years older than me, I could tell, but they let me join in their fun of being young and happy. I was so excited to be there, living and sweaty, that all the bad things that had happened in the week prior, melted away. The best thing that happened that night, was when my siblings and I waited in line to meet the band. I got my shirt sign (which I still own) and talked to the band members. It was one of the best nights of my life.

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What I've Wanted To Say (Video Script)

2/17/2019

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Hello everyone! It’s Syd, today I’m going to talk about what has been happening in the past 8 months or so, and why my content has been different and, I guess, off or weird. What I want to say before starting, is a, trigger warning for people who are sensitive to topics such as depression, anxiety, sexual abuse, addiction, and medication. This video will have the conversation of all of that in here, so this will not be the video for you if you are sensitive to those topics.

Okay, let’s get started, I guess. I think I should start by explaining what has been happening recently, within the past 3-4 months or so. So, for the past year and a bit, I have been going through a bought of heavy depression and anxiety. I’ve had anxiety all my life and depression since I was 11 or twelve; it really started after my grandmother died, but we’ll talk about that later. So, starting October-ish, my depression servired intensely. I ended up not really wanting to do anything but stay in my bed, sleep, and watch YouTube.


Making videos wasn’t exciting, art wasn’t exciting, writing was exciting; I just felt so unmotivated to do anything at all. This is why my videos have been mostly horrible livestreams and such. You will notice that you can’t see any of those livestreams that I don’t want on my channel anymore, as I have made them unlisted. It’s not that I’m ashamed of them, it’s that I wasn’t well when I made them, I was sick, and I just felt obligated to put out some kind of content, even if it was shitty content. I just don’t want to have that effect on newer viewers, or myself, as I am not that way anymore and I really, really want to start putting out better quality videos.


I’m not going to be posting anymore cavetown music specifically, because the majority of them are copyrighted and YouTube is now my job, so; it’s obvious why I’m stopping. The videos will still be on my channel and yeah, that’s that.


Now, if any of you are skeptic for a teenager to be depressed or unmotivated. I can say that as of December 14th 2018, I am officially diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and trauma symptoms. This is by a professional psychologist, who has a degree, they are a child psychologist that helps children with mental health issues get the care they need. So, let’s get that out of the way. I’m going to dive a little deeper into trauma symptoms, as it is a broad term and can mean a lot of things. With that, we need to start with 5 year old me. Yep, 5.


This is the part of the video where anyone who has a sensitivity to sexual abuse should not listen or watch. You can skip or just not watch the rest of the video. So, from the time I was 5 though when I was 7, I was sexually abused by the same person repeatedly. No names are going to be in this video at all, as it is not my right to, nor do I want to. Let’s just say that he knew my family, was about 9 years older than me, and about 100 pounds heavier than me. I grew up with a fear of men and teenage males. The thing is that as I got older, my mind started to block out the memories of this trauma.


By the time I was 10, I had no recollection of anything that happened to me. This is very common among trauma survivors, as it is a coping mechanism for the mind to stay healthy and happy. The bad thing is, I had no idea why I had a fear of men. This caused me to have shame and an awkwardness around sex and anything sexual, again, not knowing why. The mind is tricky sometimes and can do weird things to cope. Moving on but in the same theme of trauma, we will be moving on towards more childhood trauma. While growing up, my parents fought a lot, mostly about money and nothing that concerned. I remember, my siblings and I sitting on our steps in our hall, supposed to be upstairs but not; listening to our parents scream at each other. As a child, this is very traumatic. Children’s minds are very impressionable. I developed a fear of arguments, confrontation, and conversation because of that. I cried whenever somebody got angry, I thought that every fight was somehow my fault and that I needed to fix it. A lot of this, I still carry with me today, but I am learning to get better.


We are now going to skip forwards to when I was twelve. In short, my grandmother died of lung cancer. She had stayed at our house for months beforehand and then she was in the hospital. Every summer, my entire life, we would visit my grandmother for 1 to 2 weeks. I grew up with her love, and her death really affected me. The hardest part, she died on my first day of 7th grade. My mom gave my siblings and I the choice to go to school, which we did. Later that week, I started feeling really sick, tired, and just sore. So I did what most people do when they start to feel sick, they take some fever medication. But the thing was, this feeling never went away. So I started up the amount of ibuprofen and acetaminophen I was taking; at least 20 extra strength painkillers a day.


Now, I was
child, and dosage get tricky. Now, ibuprofen isn’t physically or psychologically addictive, but the body can become dependant on it; but acetaminophen is addictive; and you can overdose on both. At the time, I didn’t know I was addicted, I didn’t know I was depressed; I just knew I was taking a lot of pills. Again, at least 20 painkillers a day and up to 60mg of melatonin at night to sleep; by the way, the highest over the counter dose of melatonin I could get was 10mg, it is not recommended that you go over 0.5mg. This entire thing, the addiction and the depression, caused me to not remember the majority of grade 7. The way I got out of this, was by writing.


I was writing up to 5 poems a day, and was writing my very first novel. This was how I got over everything, and by the summer, almost one year after the death of my grandmother, I was completely sober and happy. I went into grade 8, happy and healthy. I also figured out my seuxality around the same time; and came out to my family has pansexual. In grade 8, I started to identify as genderfluid, which is the gender I feel most comfortable with. It basically means, without going too into it, that my gender can be more masculine, feminine, or agender, depending on how I feel; that is the fluidity part of it.


Going into high school, my anxiety was still just as bad as it had been before, but never too extreme except for a few occasions. I made some new friends, got away from the people that has bullied me in elementary school, and started using they, them, their pronouns; something that I felt fit me better than my assigned female pronouns. Grade 9 was a breeze, I got good grades, made honour role, and was generally happy with how high school was going for me; all the doubts of making friends and classes melted away.


But, then the next school year came around and everything went downhill again. In October, 2017, I started my first job at a local Subway, which I thought would be a nice job to make some money before I started on my career and saved up for school. I was so wrong. Subway, not a bad company, I have nothing against it, but this specific place was absolute Hell. It was understaffed, busy as ever, and the entire environment was toxic and anxious. I ended up working them for
9 months. If you ever work at a place, where you absolutely dread going to and are scared as you walk in there, stop working there. My anxiety worsened and my depression came back.


I started not being able to go to school, do homework, write, draw, anything that I loved doing before. I passed my first semester of school, but second semester was where it got worse. By February 2018, I couldn’t get out of bed, and an injury in my right wrist the previous summer had suddenly flared up out of nowhere. By the summer, I had finished one and a half classes in that semester. In March of that year, I had started medication for my anxiety and sleep, which I thought would be good, but it made things so much worse. The anxiety medication worked for my anxiety but made my depression so much worse, the sleep medication I was on made me gain a lot of weight really quickly. I had hit my breaking point, and even self-harmed.


In the summer, my aunt took me to Toronto to get away from my family, and take me to a hospital. Needless to say, I needed the trip, and even though I wasn’t hospitalized, I could’ve been and was completely okay with that. I went home, and everything got worse. I felt completely awful. It got to the point where I tried to kill myself with my sleep medication, which ended up with me being really high, tired, and hallucinating. It wasn’t fun. I fought with my parents more and felt that I wasn’t getting the treatment that I needed. I pushed and pushed my mother for me to get more help. Finally, in November, my injury in my wrist finally got sorted, and I have a ganglion cyst in the joint of my right wrist. There is nothing we can do but surgery, but we have not done that yet.


Finally, we went to a psychologist and they put me on new medication and finally diagnosed me. Since mid-December of 2018, I have felt the best in my entire life. I’m off my old medication, stopped gaining weight, and have started enjoying the things I love again. I’m excited for what I can do with my career here on YouTube, as well as branching out into freelance writing and maybe even an online store for my art. This is a video of a lot of things, but it is not a video of failure. I am alive, healthy, and well. I am a survivor of many things and even though I have my trauma and illnesses, I don’t let that defy me and I just really want to be able to do the things I love.


​Please, if you have any questions, or anything you want to talk about, you can DM on Instagram or contact me through my website. All my links will be in the description. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it, that’s what got me through. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, remember that. Thank you for watching and I can’t wait to see you later. Bye!
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It's Been A While

1/21/2019

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I've realized that my blogging has been very lacking in the past 2 months; but I actually have a reason for this. I went through a terrible down of depression that had been working up since October and lasted until mid-December. I started new medication, saw some doctors, and I'm fine now. If you want a fuller explanation, I have uploaded a new video to my YouTube, which is always linked in my Contacts page. I have been feeling much better, much more alive and happy than before, so expect some different posts from me. Still, I do have those times where life seems dark to me, particularly this week, but I've realized that as a whole, I am feeling so much better.

I have some plans for the future, for this website and for my other social media accounts. Hopefully soon, I will be setting up a store for you guys to buy my art in prints and other merchandise! I will also be uploading to my YouTube better content and more thoughtful videos, as well as my Instagram. I've started experimenting with art and writing a lot more again, so things are looking up.

​Expect some good things this year. 
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Is This What Life Is Like?

11/13/2018

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Everything seems to be getting worse, and I don't know why. I'm in so much pain all the time, I can't sleep, and even going for walks feels like a task. I've never been this low in my life, I just feel like I'm in this deep dark hole that no matter what, nobody can talk me out of. I feel so lonely all the time, none of my old friends talk to me, and I'm wondering if they're even concerned. Whenever I see them, they seem awkward and annoyed. I don't know if it's just me or they don't like me anymore. The walls of my house are starting to feel like a prison. I want to do something to make me happy, but I can't go anywhere by myself. All I have are my plants and my dog. I just want to get out of this. 

I wonder if everybody feels like this. What is it like to feel happy? I don't know. I don't know if I've ever been happy. I just have this deep pit in my chest all the time, like I'm feeling everything but nothing at all as well. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to taking more painkillers, see if it'll make me feel better. But I don't want to OD again, that's something I don't want to got through again. 

I had another really bad anxiety attack this past week, I couldn't stop crying. I just want to feel better. None of my meds are working and it feels like the doctors don't know what they're doing. I just want somebody to vent to, but nobody will listen. I must sound so annoying when I'm like this.

​​I'm just tired. Just fucking tired.
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When You Live Through Music

10/16/2018

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I can't function without music. If I had no access to it, I would go insane. I'm not saying this to be relatable or funny or ironic; it becomes a problem sometimes. When my phone dies or my MP3 dies, I can't go for my walks because I won't be able to without music. I can't walk down a street without my headphones in. Hearing my own footsteps or a distant car scares me. The sound of my breathing gives me anxiety. When I don't have access to music, I get anxious and can sometimes have panic attacks. I can only focus when I have music playing, but it can also distract me. I can't write without music. If anybody else has this problem, pleas reach out to me. Because I can't live without music.

Song I was listening to while writing this:
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Swinging Minutes

10/9/2018

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I've talked about this before, but I feel like I need to talk about this some more. I am constantly daydreaming; always. I'm talking to you? In my head I'm fighting a dragon? I'm in a job interview? I'm in the middle of a drug cartel gang war. It's not always pretty and nice, sometimes it kills people, not real people, but personalities all the same. My worlds are developed and my characters are diverse. Right now I'm thinking about my favourite book series, Percy Jackson, and how I would interact with the characters. Or sometimes how I would interacts with real people; celebrities, musicians, YouTubers, and even my family and friends. It's hard for me to focus on anything that's not in my head.

I'm completely disconnected from reality and real people. It's sometimes hard to tell if I made up that conversation I had with my sister or if it really happened. I can't leave my house because I need to distract myself, because as soon as I walk, my mind is gone.

Music is a big trigger, the radio could be playing any song in any store and I'll start to think. I loose myself in my mind, sometimes even incorporating the music into the dreams. Even now it's so hard to stop myself from wandering off into who the Hell in the world is reading this. What is your story? Why are you here? I don't know, but I'll think about it. TV shows, movies, videos, books, music, conversations, interactions, thoughts, memories; anything can trigger me.

I won't lie, it fuels my writing, it helps me be creative and right my dreams into reality; to make my mind into my life; to make my characters real. This is why everyday, for at least 30 minutes, I go to my local park, and I swing on the swings. My headphones are in, music blasting, world tuned out, and this is where my mind runs free. I can feel angry, sad, happy, euphoric, and even terrified with my characters. Sometimes it even causes me anxiety attacks, times of depressions, but also mania. In my head, I'm someone else, with other people, different friends, different family, different life. 

My life is completely in my head and I don't know what to do about it.
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Room Tour 2018

9/15/2018

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Why I Buzzed Off My Hair

8/26/2018

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So if you've been on any of my social media, you would know that the past few months, my hair has gone through some crazy shit. Back in March, I died my once shoulder length hair blue, purple, and pink; although I've been dyeing my hair funky colours since I was 11, every time it feels amazing. After a while, it faded and I impulse cut to jaw length, had that for a few days, then cut to about the middle of my ear. I cut myself some bangs (first time ever) and then died it bright purple (myself). After all the purple had faded, I'd been talking to my mom about just shaving my head completely, bu never did it. Finally, one very early morning in July, I had decided that the heat and humidity was enough, grabbed our clippers, and shaved my head. I believe that it was about an 8th of an inch long. 
If you know me, you know that I've had an undercut since I was 13, so having my hair gone wasn't foreign territory for me, but just having no hair at all just feels a whole lot better. If your concerned about growing it out, my hair grows SUPER fast and it should be the length of where it was before I shaved it in about December. I will keep my undercut, as my thick and heavy hair is very annoying and hot. I love my hair and I love it shaved. That's why. (I don't have photo of when it is short and bright purple, so just imagine)
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Physical Contact

8/24/2018

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I'm a deprived person. As a child, I was loved, hugged, squeezed, but as I got older, people stopped. No more do people hug me when they see me, no more do people linger a soothing hand on my shoulder. I am supposed to be independent and strong. But now that nothing touches me, I am uncomfortable when somebody's else's emotions contact my person. Hugs are now awkward and terrifying, pats on the back fill me with anxiety and shame. My lack of contact has made it impossible for me to have friends and love my family. No more do I kiss cheeks, no more do I cuddle my parents. I am unwanted in feeling and uninvited in touch. Physical contact is abnormal, but that's not the way it should be.
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