Before I get started, I would just like to say that Viktor isnn't bad in any way. He's actually super friendly. I want to tell you about him because he's a pretty interesting guy and his story is too

So I started noticing Viktor was there after I got home from my summer vacation two years ago. I did buy some things from antique and thrift stores, so he might have come from one of those things. I just started feeling him in the corner of my bedroom (as seen in another one of my Wiki posts). So I was doing some deep meditation one night to speak to my dead grandmother; but it was Viktor who came forward. He felt that I was in pain and started to speak to me. It wasn't as if I was hearing his voice, but I just knew what he was saying.

Basically, he just said his name is Viktor, he's 19, and just wanted a friend. He doesn't bother me, just chills in my room. He was only in my room but I believe that he's now attached to me and just follows me to protect me. He's very kind and is just a calming present because I know I always have a friend.

I didn't grow up into witchcraft, but it seems that my family has. We all have some core beliefs that we all separately got too and somehow just know. Like crystals and tarot and spirits, weird but that's my family. What I'd like to talk about is how a lot of witchy or spiritual or pagan people just find each other. Call it fate, but I just love it.

My current girlfriend if 10 months grew up into paganism through family. And I didn't know that when I met her. So when I told her I was a witch she went "dope, me too kind of". And I was just over the moon because I just didn't need to explained everything. And just recently I found out that my therapist grew up in a pretty pagan and spiritual household. Which is amazing because then she won't think I'm crazy or anything like I feared.

It just amazes me how I'm just able to find so many like minded people. I follow many people on Instagram who I just followed not knowing and then see that they collect crystals, or do tarot, or are even a witch and I just get very happy. Many people who come from strict or religious families may not experience the same, but I can say that it will. It just happens to everyone down this path.

Your energy attracts people with the same energy. Whether physically or online. I guess starting here is a good place because everyone here has something in common and maybe you could even find a witch close to you! Anyways, I just like how this happens. Chow.

-Vision

Hey guys! I've decided that for October I will be doing videos on witchcraft, paganism, and wicca (also what accompanies those). I am just a baby witch and have lots to learn, but I hope that with these videos we can all learn something. I will also be posting twice a week instead of just once for October. So regular Saturday at 2pm but also on Sundays at 5pm! I know that witchcraft and paganism have really boosted in the past five years, and to be honest, is one of the actual good "trends".

​I will go into more detail in the video, but paganism in all of its forms is really all-inclusive and is very personal; there are no rigidly cut rules to follow. For the most part, any pagan hasn't changed their beliefs when they entered paganism, their own personal beliefs of the universe and world and self were simply justified and put into practice. I haven't really changed any of my beliefs, just tweaked them to suit my ever-changing maturity and personality; which is why I love paganism so much! It is completely custom and versatile. This is just a short rundown of what you may see in the first installment of this series. I'll catch you guys on the flip side.

-Vision

Everybody has some kind of addictions; it's in our nature to want to have an abundance of things that make us feel good, or even bad. While some addictions can be physical, like drugs, there is always a mental aspect to it. There is no way to get out of an addiction if you don't want to. That is a common misconception that a lot of people have. You can't just take away the drug, or the pain, or the sex, or the control. The addict has to be at least a little bit willing. Getting over an addiction is 90% mental. When people think of addictions, they usually think of drugs; like cocaine, heroin, or meth, but you can be addicted to anything.

For example, eating disorders are an addiction. This addiction is more based around control than it is food. For anorexia or bulimia, it's the control of the intake of food into your body, or even the feeling you have after purging or not eating. For binge eating disorders, it's the opposite but also the same. Binge eating disorders, while it is the control over intake, it also has the more "foody" aspect. Where you can be addicted to less healthy foods, like sugar, caffeine, or oil. People with eating disorders may not see what they're doing as wrong, because the addicted mind rationalizes everything. 

Because addictions are mostly mental issues, a lot of addicts have some other life or mental issues that feed the addictions. People with eating disorders may feel like they don't have control over their life; drug addicts who struggle with apathetic depression may do drugs people it helps them feel emotions. Something that is very common is for people who have chronic pain being addicted to painkillers and not knowing because in their head it's "because they hurt". While they may be in pain, the body also reacts badly to not having the drugs, causing more pain, causing them to take more painkillers.

For myself, I started abusing Tylenol when I was twelve. It was just after my grandmother had passed away and I had been pushed into a deep depressive state. Depression causes physical pain, so I started to take Tylenol because I always hurt. I didn't see what I was doing as wrong, but I was taking up to 20 tablets a day, which is 5 times the recommended max dose in 24 hours. This pattern went on for years, and by that, I mean up until about 5 months ago. While the amount of tablets slowly decreased per day, as I slowly became aware of my bad habits, I was still taking way to much. Not only is this dangerous, because you can overdose on Tylenol, but prolonged use of painkillers can cause liver damage. 

Relapse will happen; there is no way around it. There were many times when I had gone without taking a Tylenol, and then I would go back into abusing. Even if your body has gotten over the addiction, your mind will want to go back into it's addiction. It's a constant battle for an addict. Because a high amount of addicts also have mental illnesses, this creates a viscous cycle of the body craving something to break that illness. 

Anything can be addictive. A lot of people don't believe that you can be addicted to sex, but it's less about the actual sex than you would think. Sex addicts build bad and self-destructive habits that go along with the sex. For example, it may be that the addict doesn't have the best situation at their home, so they spend days away with strangers. This can put people into horrible situations. Many sex addicts have a past of sexual abuse, so this addition acts as a way of the person controlling their sexuality because it was taken away before hand. It is less about the act of sleeping with a person and more about the habits that the person builds around sex. 

In the end, we should all change the way we view addicts. It isn't just smelly homeless people who live in an alley (while this is still very sad and just as common), it can be anybody. Addictions are a lifelong fight and the cravings are always there. We should be less angry and hateful towards addicts and more empathetic. Addicts have a serious issue that need serious mental and physical help. The best way to help an addict is to be non judging, educating, and willing to go through the entire process with them. The last thing an addict wants is to be left alone while in recovery. They need all the support they can get. But also know that you can't help a person who doesn't want to help themselves. You may want to be there for that person and want to help, but in the end, if they keep pushing you away, you need to let them know that you are there for when they are ready. 

An addict in recovery is very vulnerable and it is up to their friends, family, and doctors to support them 110%. You need to be ready to answer phone calls and go to their home at 3am. Because in the end, an addict who is alone is more dangerous than an addict with support. If you, like myself, struggle daily, just know that there are so many people who want to help you. I am here to help you. I understand and want you to feel safe and okay. Recovery isn't a straight incline, it's the shittiest roller coaster ever, but there is an end and there is sobriety. If you can do it, I can do it; and if I can do it, you can do it. 

We can do it together.

​-Vision

I've been meaning to go back on here and basically explain what is going on in my life currently. While I am very active on social media about my life and what has happened, I know that some people have probably not saw or heard yet. Well, my mother passed away on July 4th 2019; so... that happened. It's been tough and a big adjustment, especially because my sister has also gone to college, so we went from a 5 person family to a 3 person family.All of us are doing fine, you don't have to worry; we are taking care of ourselves. 

A few other things have happened. I got diagnosed with Rheumetoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, and a TMJ disorder (TMJ is the major joint in your jaw). So recently my life as been a lot of doctors appointments and medical things. I started working with a CMHA crisis worker just a couple days after my mother's passing. It really helped. She basically was there to help me get my ducks in a row for my mental health treatment and what I need to do. So, as of now, I have a new psychiatrist, who I definitely like better than my old one, and I have a mental health clinition that is doing psychotherapy with me. These past few months have been super busy, but now that the summer is over I think things will start to slow down a bit and I can take a breather.

A couple weeks ago, I took a few days off from really doing work. Working from home is weird because you are always in and out of doing work. For me, "work" is doing things on here, drawing, writing, being active on social media, and those types of things. So I took a few days to just really rest and do some self care. I've been really go go go lately and it was really nice. I'm now just starting to find a new routine. Because my sister moved out, I moved into her old bedroom and I've also taken over my mother's office; so I have spaces of my own now. I've really enjoyed sitting at my desk, with my computer, and just working. It feels like an actual job now, because before I was working on my couch or in my bed, so I'm glad I have this work space to do work things in.

While this summer has been tough, with the loss of my mother, my sister moving out, and my health issues, I think that overall I've been doing pretty well. Things are in motion for my life to be a lot better, mentally and physically. I will try to post on here more, because I do really enjoy doing these posts. 

As an update on the store and commissions, commissions are 50% off this entire month and you can now buy my traditional art in the store. To get to the traditional art, you need to click on the "art" category at the top of the page, beside the search bar.

Thank you all for being so loving and warm and patient, I really do love talking with you guys and I hope that this clears up any confusion you guys have. I'll see y'all later.

​-Vision 

So... here's the low down. My mom is back in the hospital; she has an infection and because of her chemo her immune system is shit. She's majorly ill right now. I'm waiting until after the long weekend (Tuesday) to do anything for my inpatient stuff. I basically just go to the emerg at my hospital and go "yo, I'm having a mental health crisis and I can't be at home", and somebody will come to assess me. The lady I talked to on the helpline says that it's pretty hard to get into inpatient and that I might not qualify. But it's either me living in the hospital or I'm living in a box on the corner, because I can't be at home right now. Life is really shitty at the moment and it's getting harder every day to deal with. I had like 8 anxiety attacks yesterday. I'm seeing my mom later today (it's 5am), but I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I fucking hate hospitals. Isn't that ironic? I need to be in a hospital but every time I go in one I have a panic attack. Have a great weekend, my dudes; and to all my fellow Canadians, I hope your Canada Day is amazing.

​-Vision​

​This past week has been SUPER rough. We've figured out what kind of cancer my mom has; it's in her nerves. This kind of cancer is newly discovered, and that's the reason it took so long for us to get a diagnosis. But, fewer people, including doctors, are acting like she's not dying, so it's kind of good news. When I heard the diagnosis, I felt a weight lifted off of me. My entire family was worried that it was going to be one of the really big baddies, but it's not. She is in a hospital about an hour from me, and they will be starting chemo this week I believe.


As for me, my mental health has been a complete shitshow. Things had been starting to go downhill before all this happened, but this hasn't really helped my case either. My family and I are discussing me being impatient, as in a mental hospital. Although, hospitals are usually the last resort for mental health. I'm looking for a place where I can just do what I normally, away from my family for a bit, but can get help and receive good treatment at all times. I don't know if such a place exists, and honestly, if it does, it might be too expensive. But I do know that staying at home is off the table for me, at the moment. I need a breather, with real help and real support. I need to do this so I can get better to be there for my family. I'm not happy about leaving them, but they all understand the situation.

Nothing has been decided yet; just thought I should let you all know. Thanks, love you all.

-Vision

I thought I should fill you all in, not because any of you are concerned, but because I just need to normalize myself saying it. My mother has cancer. That's a very scary word, and the majority of people know somebody who has died from cancer. But, cancer is not a death sentence. I'm trying to stay positive, not worrying about things I don't need to worry about. We don't know what kind it is yet if it's benign or not, but we have a really good guess that it's probably in her bones. My dog search is off, obviously. I might be doing more speedpaints, as those don't take as long to make. I'm getting a new phone within the next week, so I will film on that when I can. Shit hasn't hit the fan yet, but it is very near. I'm seeing about our social worker coming around to talk to my family. Honestly, don't worry. I think that the best we can do is just try to live as normal as possible. My mother is not the only person to have cancer, and if a fucking baby can beat cancer, then so can my mom. Love you all.


-Vision

Hi, hello. Um, it's a bit weird to be writing here now. I've been MIA on here for while, except for this HUGE THEME UPDATE. I just wanted my website to match the theme of the rest of my social media. Essentially, I've been doing a lot of work. Whether it's school, writing, drawing, and selling things; I've been busy. I actually don't mind being busy, as it helps from being too depressed or manic. But, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed recently. I don't know if it's that the school year is ending in a few months, then there's summer holidays, and I'm also setting the store up, selling work, doing commission, but it's a few of those things.

Most times of the day, I'm either sleeping, writing, drawing, thinking of video ideas, or just being a viewer to other creators. It seems like my life it's pretty chill, and it is, and that's what is bugging me. I don't like getting content, because if I get content with my work and life, I get depressed and rely on my contentment, and then when things change it feels like I'm going insane. 

So I'm trying to get things moving. I'm trying something new: commissions. Although, nobody has hired me as of now, I would still like to do them. I've also set up a Depop store so I can sell some of my clothing and other things online; almost like a home run second hand store. I've recently made speedpaints on my channel, which is new for me. But all of this feels like I'm reaching for thin air. I don't see an end goal, and it's making me spiral. 

I'm trying to collect myself, get back to work, put on my grown-up pants, and get shit down. But for now, I have two days to finish writing this story for a contest, so that's what I'm doing.

Thanks for reading,
​-Syd

I've realized that my blogging has been very lacking in the past 2 months; but I actually have a reason for this. I went through a terrible down of depression that had been working up since October and lasted until mid-December. I started new medication, saw some doctors, and I'm fine now. If you want a fuller explanation, I have uploaded a new video to my YouTube, which is always linked in my Contacts page. I have been feeling much better, much more alive and happy than before, so expect some different posts from me. Still, I do have those times where life seems dark to me, particularly this week, but I've realized that as a whole, I am feeling so much better.

I have some plans for the future, for this website and for my other social media accounts. Hopefully soon, I will be setting up a store for you guys to buy my art in prints and other merchandise! I will also be uploading to my YouTube better content and more thoughtful videos, as well as my Instagram. I've started experimenting with art and writing a lot more again, so things are looking up.

​Expect some good things this year. 

Everything seems to be getting worse, and I don't know why. I'm in so much pain all the time, I can't sleep, and even going for walks feels like a task. I've never been this low in my life, I just feel like I'm in this deep dark hole that no matter what, nobody can talk me out of. I feel so lonely all the time, none of my old friends talk to me, and I'm wondering if they're even concerned. Whenever I see them, they seem awkward and annoyed. I don't know if it's just me or they don't like me anymore. The walls of my house are starting to feel like a prison. I want to do something to make me happy, but I can't go anywhere by myself. All I have are my plants and my dog. I just want to get out of this. 

I wonder if everybody feels like this. What is it like to feel happy? I don't know. I don't know if I've ever been happy. I just have this deep pit in my chest all the time, like I'm feeling everything but nothing at all as well. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to taking more painkillers, see if it'll make me feel better. But I don't want to OD again, that's something I don't want to got through again. 

I had another really bad anxiety attack this past week, I couldn't stop crying. I just want to feel better. None of my meds are working and it feels like the doctors don't know what they're doing. I just want somebody to vent to, but nobody will listen. I must sound so annoying when I'm like this.

​​I'm just tired. Just fucking tired.

I can't function without music. If I had no access to it, I would go insane. I'm not saying this to be relatable or funny or ironic; it becomes a problem sometimes. When my phone dies or my MP3 dies, I can't go for my walks because I won't be able to without music. I can't walk down a street without my headphones in. Hearing my own footsteps or a distant car scares me. The sound of my breathing gives me anxiety. When I don't have access to music, I get anxious and can sometimes have panic attacks. I can only focus when I have music playing, but it can also distract me. I can't write without music. If anybody else has this problem, pleas reach out to me. Because I can't live without music.

Song I was listening to while writing this:
​

I've talked about this before, but I feel like I need to talk about this some more. I am constantly daydreaming; always. I'm talking to you? In my head I'm fighting a dragon? I'm in a job interview? I'm in the middle of a drug cartel gang war. It's not always pretty and nice, sometimes it kills people, not real people, but personalities all the same. My worlds are developed and my characters are diverse. Right now I'm thinking about my favourite book series, Percy Jackson, and how I would interact with the characters. Or sometimes how I would interacts with real people; celebrities, musicians, YouTubers, and even my family and friends. It's hard for me to focus on anything that's not in my head.

I'm completely disconnected from reality and real people. It's sometimes hard to tell if I made up that conversation I had with my sister or if it really happened. I can't leave my house because I need to distract myself, because as soon as I walk, my mind is gone.

Music is a big trigger, the radio could be playing any song in any store and I'll start to think. I loose myself in my mind, sometimes even incorporating the music into the dreams. Even now it's so hard to stop myself from wandering off into who the Hell in the world is reading this. What is your story? Why are you here? I don't know, but I'll think about it. TV shows, movies, videos, books, music, conversations, interactions, thoughts, memories; anything can trigger me.

I won't lie, it fuels my writing, it helps me be creative and right my dreams into reality; to make my mind into my life; to make my characters real. This is why everyday, for at least 30 minutes, I go to my local park, and I swing on the swings. My headphones are in, music blasting, world tuned out, and this is where my mind runs free. I can feel angry, sad, happy, euphoric, and even terrified with my characters. Sometimes it even causes me anxiety attacks, times of depressions, but also mania. In my head, I'm someone else, with other people, different friends, different family, different life. 

My life is completely in my head and I don't know what to do about it.

So if you've been on any of my social media, you would know that the past few months, my hair has gone through some crazy shit. Back in March, I died my once shoulder length hair blue, purple, and pink; although I've been dyeing my hair funky colours since I was 11, every time it feels amazing. After a while, it faded and I impulse cut to jaw length, had that for a few days, then cut to about the middle of my ear. I cut myself some bangs (first time ever) and then died it bright purple (myself). After all the purple had faded, I'd been talking to my mom about just shaving my head completely, bu never did it. Finally, one very early morning in July, I had decided that the heat and humidity was enough, grabbed our clippers, and shaved my head. I believe that it was about an 8th of an inch long. 
If you know me, you know that I've had an undercut since I was 13, so having my hair gone wasn't foreign territory for me, but just having no hair at all just feels a whole lot better. If your concerned about growing it out, my hair grows SUPER fast and it should be the length of where it was before I shaved it in about December. I will keep my undercut, as my thick and heavy hair is very annoying and hot. I love my hair and I love it shaved. That's why. (I don't have photo of when it is short and bright purple, so just imagine)

I'm a deprived person. As a child, I was loved, hugged, squeezed, but as I got older, people stopped. No more do people hug me when they see me, no more do people linger a soothing hand on my shoulder. I am supposed to be independent and strong. But now that nothing touches me, I am uncomfortable when somebody's else's emotions contact my person. Hugs are now awkward and terrifying, pats on the back fill me with anxiety and shame. My lack of contact has made it impossible for me to have friends and love my family. No more do I kiss cheeks, no more do I cuddle my parents. I am unwanted in feeling and uninvited in touch. Physical contact is abnormal, but that's not the way it should be.