So if you've been on any of my social media, you would know that the past few months, my hair has gone through some crazy shit. Back in March, I died my once shoulder length hair blue, purple, and pink; although I've been dyeing my hair funky colours since I was 11, every time it feels amazing. After a while, it faded and I impulse cut to jaw length, had that for a few days, then cut to about the middle of my ear. I cut myself some bangs (first time ever) and then died it bright purple (myself). After all the purple had faded, I'd been talking to my mom about just shaving my head completely, bu never did it. Finally, one very early morning in July, I had decided that the heat and humidity was enough, grabbed our clippers, and shaved my head. I believe that it was about an 8th of an inch long.
If you know me, you know that I've had an undercut since I was 13, so having my hair gone wasn't foreign territory for me, but just having no hair at all just feels a whole lot better. If your concerned about growing it out, my hair grows SUPER fast and it should be the length of where it was before I shaved it in about December. I will keep my undercut, as my thick and heavy hair is very annoying and hot. I love my hair and I love it shaved. That's why. (I don't have photo of when it is short and bright purple, so just imagine)
I'm a deprived person. As a child, I was loved, hugged, squeezed, but as I got older, people stopped. No more do people hug me when they see me, no more do people linger a soothing hand on my shoulder. I am supposed to be independent and strong. But now that nothing touches me, I am uncomfortable when somebody's else's emotions contact my person. Hugs are now awkward and terrifying, pats on the back fill me with anxiety and shame. My lack of contact has made it impossible for me to have friends and love my family. No more do I kiss cheeks, no more do I cuddle my parents. I am unwanted in feeling and uninvited in touch. Physical contact is abnormal, but that's not the way it should be.
I get no comments on my posts, or comments on most of my social media; but I honestly don't care. I just want myself out there. And that's the reason I started up this blog again after two years, and re-worked it, but kept the old information. I liked having my blog, it made me feel like I was helping people. But now I do this because I need to. I need to make it known that this is how I feel, so then, like I do now, I can look back on what I thought and what I said, so that I can maybe learn from my past self. I want to see how I can change and how I have change. That's why doing this is so important to me, that's why I like the traffic I get from this; but please, if you have a thought, please comment. I love interacting with different opinions. Just know that this is a SAFE place and I don't want any harsh negativity. I hope that I can help people by helping myself and that's what this is for. Thank you.
I want to do everything all the time. I just need to do something every single second of every day. I don't know why I feel this way, but it is hard to do nothing.
Tell me why I feel like this.
I will be fully engaged in a conversation, task, or activity and my will just randomly shut off for a few seconds. What basically is I zone out so much that I not in physical reality and I'm just inside my head. I can't hear anything and it's like I have vision of the real world but I have tunnel vision inside my thoughts. Sometimes I'm just blank but other times I just daydream. I think this might be dissociation or my brain is being over worked and needs a break. I don't know, but some days I'll just feel like I'm not actually fully in reality. I just feel off.
Depersonalisation disorder is characterised by feeling detached from one’s life, thoughts and feelings. People with this type of disorder say they feel distant and emotionally unconnected to themselves, as if they are watching a character in a boring movie. Other typical symptoms include problems with concentration and memory. The person may report feeling ‘spacey’ or out of control. Time may slow down. They may perceive their body to be a different shape or size than usual; in severe cases, they cannot recognise themselves in a mirror.
For the past several months I've been in a very deep depression, which has affected my creativity majorly. I don't feel motivated to create the things I like, my writing and painting feels like this boring job that I don't want to be at. I love being creative, I love what I do, but lately I've felt lost. Lost with my mind, my creativity, and my path. If you guys have any advice, please let me know, I want to do more of what I know I love. Thanks.
I love writing, but I also love to paint. Both are big passions of mine, but writing is the field that I want to be in the most. I like to write for people, but I create art for myself. There is just something freeing about being able to smear paint, splatter it, and realize that is beautiful. Just one brushstroke can change an entire piece. So I suggest for writers to take up fun artsy hobbies that they just enjoy for pure entertainment. For nobody else but themselves.
Art is created to inspire; it's simple. But what do you create? Who do you want to inspire? I want to make people feel welcome and home in their mind, body, and soul. I want people to be okay; I did this by showing them that people are different on the inside than they are in the real world. Art helps me express things words can't. Painting, splashing, scratching. These are physical, actually visual to the brain. You don't have to have talent, just pick up a pen and scribble.
The simplest answer is that I understand the emotions of it. People who I know, close people, have pasted and writing about it helps me cope. It's a scary thing and turning it into a fictional scene helps me rationalize my thoughts. Nobody knows what happens after death, but seeing it, experiencing it, is something nobody wants to know; but we all do. It is the most relatable thing to happen to a person. It's good to show the emotions to help people and make them feel not lost in their own heads. I want to write about it to make people better; to be a fictional therapist, I guess.
There are times when staring at a blank wall is more entertaining than actually living. There are times when we are so empty that even doing the simplest task isn't worth it. There are times when those pills on your dresser look more delicious than a grand bowl of pasta. There are times you get so tired but you do not deserve to sleep. There are times when nothing matters. There are times when life is so meaningless and unsatisfying. You try new things, spend all your money, stupidly cut your hair, but none of it matters. You are significant. Yet, there is that small moment, when you look at the green leaves on spindly tress and view the vibrant petals of a rose, that life becomes home again. You were created to be whole, you are meaningless, yes, but you are not empty. You are a miracle of science and love. You are in the eyes of the universe, perfect. And does anything else really matter?
this is where i ramble; have fun