Is This What Life Is Like?

Everything seems to be getting worse, and I don't know why. I'm in so much pain all the time, I can't sleep, and even going for walks feels like a task. I've never been this low in my life, I just feel like I'm in this deep dark hole that no matter what, nobody can talk me out of. I feel so lonely all the time, none of my old friends talk to me, and I'm wondering if they're even concerned. Whenever I see them, they seem awkward and annoyed. I don't know if it's just me or they don't like me anymore. The walls of my house are starting to feel like a prison. I want to do something to make me happy, but I can't go anywhere by myself. All I have are my plants and my dog. I just want to get out of this. 

I wonder if everybody feels like this. What is it like to feel happy? I don't know. I don't know if I've ever been happy. I just have this deep pit in my chest all the time, like I'm feeling everything but nothing at all as well. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to taking more painkillers, see if it'll make me feel better. But I don't want to OD again, that's something I don't want to got through again. 

I had another really bad anxiety attack this past week, I couldn't stop crying. I just want to feel better. None of my meds are working and it feels like the doctors don't know what they're doing. I just want somebody to vent to, but nobody will listen. I must sound so annoying when I'm like this.

​​I'm just tired. Just fucking tired.