I wouldn't say I'm narssistic or egotistical, but I can be self-centered; self-preserving and maybe a bit narrow minded. I don't think I'm better than others or that what I do and say is the law, but I always seem to put myself above others. As if I always needed to be first. I talked a lot about the people around me being my top priority, and making then happy, but I've realized that I've pushed my idea of happiness onto them. I haven't taken into account who they are, what they want, and how I affect them. I'm very emotion driven, and it can cloud my judgement and empathy. I would say I'm pretty empathetic, but sometimes I can completely disregard other's feelings. I never take into account what other's lives are like, what they're dealing with, and what their past has been like.
I've gone through a lot of my life not feeling like I was living. As if I was in a video game or watching someone else pretend to be me. I don't remember a lot that's happened and what I was like. I don't know when I became me or when I became aware of me. I would say I'm somewhat self aware of my flaws and chips. But I seem to rationalize them and just deal with it. I wallow in self pity a lot. I just think about all the bad things in my life and just think that that is all my life will be. It's hard to think of the future when everything in the moment is very intense. Life isn't perfect and bad things do happen. It just feels like I've been dealt the wrong life. As if this isn't my body, this isn't my life, my world. Which is a weird way to live. And I think that affects how I interact with people. Because nothing feels quite real.
Socially, I'm not awkward, just off. I don't follow social ques, conversations, tones of voice, and body language very well. I'm not sure if this is because I haven't been taught or if I just really guarded with what I see. I try to not care and not take things personally, but I really really do. I am the most insecure confident person ever. Both confident in myself but also worried that what I'll do won't be good. As if I need to prove what I'm worth. Which is not how it should be. I'm not good at balancing my emotions. I let them take control a lot; almost all the time. And sometimes they just check out and my brain checks out. Like most of my childhood.
This year has been weird and rough and actually quite horrible and I'm ready for it to be over. I want to really try to better myself for myself but also others. I want to be better at knowing when I should stop and reality starts. It's hard when you live in a bubble of your own creation, but if I work hard enough, maybe I can pop it.
this is where i ramble; have fun